April 12, 2008: Since it's been so long since I've written anything, I thought I should put in an update.
On February 17th-the anniversary of losing Riley-it happened to be a beautiful day. We were able to work in the Memory Garden getting it ready for Spring. We also created 2 more stepping stones for the Garden in memory of the other 2 babies we have lost. It was a good day, a healing day.
On March 1st my grandmother went to be with our Lord. It was a rough few weeks before she went home, but she is now much happier and is where she wants to be. Our family has been doing well, supporting each other through our loss. But as one leaves this earth, one comes to the earth. The life cylce continues as we found out my sister, Anna, is expecting. In the midst of grief, there is joy. We are so excited for her. We're praying for a healthy, safe pregnancy. I'm going to be an aunt! So happy!
December 13, 2007: Well, it's been awhile since I updated this, so I thought I'd post something. The time between Thanksgiving and the New Year is always hard for those who have lost babies. I found this year to be especially hard as I now have 3 babies in Heaven. Sometimes it's so hard to be thankful when all I can think of is my loss. Then I have have to mentally hit myself upside the head. I have SO much to be thankful for. I have an absolutely wonderful husband, we're living close to our families, we have a nice house, jobs and great friends. Not to mention the new puppy we got the day after Thanksgiving (her name is Sophie). And on top of all that, I have an amazing loving Father who sacrificed His Son for ME! Wow! When I think of the hurt I've gone through, it's hard to imagine willingly giving up my child to die...for a bunch of people who constantly slap Him in the face with sin. It's mind boggling. Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to let the holidays get me down. I know that God blesses me everyday...maybe not in the way I want, but He does nevertheless...and someday I'll have a child--be it by birth or adoption, that's up to Him. I know He'll do what's best for us. I've also found great support from an online support group of women in Indiana who have lost babies. They're wonderful, strong women who understand my plight.
Anyway, I sincerely hope your holidays are delightful. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!
October 9, 2007: Well, today is 2 months since we lost our third precious baby. It's hard to believe that it's been that long already. Friday was 6 weeks since the D&C so today I went for the thyroid blood work that Dr. Reuter wanted me to have. We still haven't gotten the results of Jason's testing, so we're just kind of in the waiting period.
I've noticed recently that I've been very emotional about everything. For the most part, I haven't had problems with getting upset in public. But lately, I've notice that I start tearing up, sometimes for no reason. Church especially has been hitting me hard. The past couple of weeks I've had tears in my eyes pretty much for the whole service. I don't know why. Somethings are just touching me differently now. It doesn't take much of anything to start me crying. It's really hard for me because I'm not usually like that. It's like I'm getting more sensitive and I can't control it. It's frustrating and embarassing when this happens in public. Others don't understand what I'm going through and I can't begin to explain it to them.
I know God is working on me. This Sunday's sermon was "Why is Life Harder for Some Than for Others?" It was like Pastor was talking directly to me. I have to remember that we are all sinners and we live in a broken, fallen world. None of us are safe from hardships because we all fall short. God didn't promise that we wouldn't face hardships, but He does promise eternity with Him. He's not trying to event the score; that's what the cross was for. Also, we have to be very careful not to fall into a "poor me" kind of attitude...it will only destroy us. We have to seek to be faithful in the midst of hardship. Like I said, I felt as if all of this was directed to me. I have tried to take the attitude of "why not me" rather than "why me," but sometimes it's hard to resist falling into the temptation of "poor me."
Anyway, that's where I'm at. Just a little update. Thanks for the continued prayers.
September 18:
So, I had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday. So, Dr. Reuter said that she's always more concerned when she can't find a chromosomal problem.She doesn't think this is a chromosomal problem, but decided to check Jason anyway.Also, she wants me to repeat the thyroid check because my last two thyroid tests were on the very low end of normal.So, she wants me to have that checked out again...6 weeks post D&C (so another 3 weeks).It will take about 3-4 weeks to get the results on Jason's test.So, we really can't start trying again for at least a month.Also, when I do get pregnant again, she wants me on the Prometrium again and she wants to put me on Lovenox.It's a low molecular weight Heprin (blood thinner) which I would have to inject once a day.Fun, fun.She said that since she can't find a chromosomal problem, she wants to treat it like an immunological problem.She said that after 3 miscarriages the percentage of having a successful pregnancy...with doing nothing to help...is 40%.So, it's not like it's 10%...and we'll be trying things to help it along.It's not hopeless.So, after we gets the results of the test, we'll talk to her again and get ready to try again.So, that's the news. We really feel like we have to try again. We don't feel like we want to give up hope. Thanks for the continuing prayers...we need them!
August 28, 2007: Well, nature did not take it's course, so I had a D & C on Friday. I had a little trouble with the anethesia...vomitting afterwards. After that wore off, I was doing pretty well. I had a little soreness, but not too bad. Also, there was very minimal bleeding and it only lasted that one day. After talking with the doctor we decided not to send the tissue sample for genetic testing. She didn't feel that there was enough to test, so we would probably end up spending a lot of money on nothing. She has encouraged us to make an appointment with her when we're ready to discuss where we want to go from here. That may include having a chromosone test done on Jason to make sure we're compatable. I guess we'll just see when we get to that point.
I returned to work on Monday. Sunday night I was really struggling with that. I wasn't ready to deal with people. After much crying and discussion, I decided to try going back. It wasn't bad. Everyone pretty much left me alone and didn't say a whole lot to me. I can tell that they're trying to give me time. Which is good.
So, overall, I'm doing okay. I have my moments, but I'm surviving. Jason has been wonderful and that helps too. We're definately going to be praying about what we should do next. I'm not sure what we'll do, but I know that I need to feel God's peace about any option we choose. It will be tough going forward. My hopes are kinda shattered, so it's going to be hard.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and prayers. We're so blessed to have so many that care about us in our lives.
August 14, 2007: We've just returned from the doctor. We were devestated by the news that there is no heartbeat. We're struggling to understand why this has happened to us three times. It seems so unfair. Please pray for us as we struggle through this again.
August 10, 2007: Well, this really is going to be a long 8 months...or at least first trimester. I had another episode of bleeding yesterday. Again, it was light and without cramping, but it's still SO scary. It did stop after several hours, but it still freaked me out. This is so stressful! I called the doctor and was told not to worry too much about it unless it gets heavy and I start having cramping. I know in my head that many women have bleeding during their pregnancies, but my heart leaps when I see that blood. Everytime I begin worrying, I try to stop and pray. I'm just so frustrated. Please pray for me...for peace, calmness, rest and patience for those who think they "understand," but don't really. I need a boost of some sort and I totally miss all my friends that live so far from me. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.
August 6, 2007: Well, we had just a little scare. On Sunday I started bleeding. After immediatley freaking out, Jason got me calmed down enough to realize that it was light bleeding and I wasn't having cramping. So, we called the doctor and she had me go on bedrest until she saw me on Monday. Praise God, I stopped bleeding Sunday night. We saw the doctor on Monday and she did another ultrasound. This time we were able to see the baby and see and hear the baby's heartbeat. It was very cool. We had not had the chance to hear the heartbeats of our other baby's because the doctor's equipment wasn't working correctly. So, this was a very neat experience for us. She said everything is looking good, the baby is growing and the heart is beating which are great signs. She didn't find any reason for the bleeding, but it happens and she's not too concerned as it did stop and was only very light. She wants me to take it easy and rest a lot. I'll see here again next week. We were able to get our first picture of our baby (I'll put it up on the site soon). We're relieved and thankful we had so many praying for us. Please continue praying. I have a feeling this is going to be a long 8 more months...
August 1, 2007: Well, I went to the doctor today. She says everything is looking really good. She did an ultrasound and she determined that I am about 5 weeks along. We could see the water sac and yolk sac, but the baby is too small to see yet. She wants to see me in another 2 weeks so we can see the baby and the heartbeat. So, I go back on August 14. In the meantime, pray that all continues to go well. Thankfully I've been feeling pretty good...just a little tired. Praise God for no morning sickness!
July 30, 2007: Well, we just found out on Friday that we're expecting again!!! We weren't trying, but God had other plans. We had actually planned to begin trying next month. The fertility doctor that I saw in April had wanted me to use an ovulation kit to determine when I was ovulating and then begin on Prometrium (progesterone) at that time. So, I had bought the kit and was waiting for my period to start to begin the process, but it never did. After a week of no period, I took 3 different tests...all negative. So, I thought my hormones were just out of balance. Well, after 2 and a half weeks of no period, I took another test...again negative. Oh, well. Then finally after 3 and a half weeks of no period, but feeling very tired and having heartburn and tender breasts, decided to test one more time. To my great surprise, it was positive...so I took another to be sure. Yep, positive. I woke Jason up and we could hardly believe it. Crazy. So, I dug the test that I had take then week before out of the trash and found that there was a faint line...I just hadn't waited long enough to see the results. :-) So, I immediately called my doctor and she wanted me to have a blood test done. I did that and the results came back positive...with good HcG and progesterone levels. They wanted me to repeat it on Monday to be sure my levels were increasing as they should and start on the Prometrium. I went for the test this morning and everything looked great. I'll go see the doctor on Wednesday...have an ultrasound and get a due date. We're so very excited, but can't help be nervous and scared considering what we've been through. We know that God is control. He chose this time for us to get pregnant and we trust that He will be with us each step of the day. Please pray that we will have peace, calm nerves and a healthy baby.
July 10, 2007: Well, today is 2 years since we lost our first baby and if Riley would have been born on his due date, he would have been one today. It's not an easy day. I am truly amazed at the strength that God has given me though. I can't believe that I've gotten through these last 2 years as I have. He is truly healing my heart. The pain is nowhere as strong as it used to be. I am so glad that I trusted Him to help me get through this...I couldn't have done it without Him. Praise the Lord!
Things have been going pretty well for Jason and I...I can't complain. We love watching the memory garden we planted grow and bloom. We have also recently put in a small pond and I love to watch the fish and listen to the fountain.
We just recently went to Washington, DC for a Libray confrence that Jason had to attend. It was great and we had a wonderful time...so much to see! It was nice to have a vacation too...this was our first vacation by ourselves since our honeymoon (which was 5 years ago as we just celebrated our 5 year anniversary on June 15th!).
Thank you for your thoughts and continued prayers. We hope the Lord will choose to bless us with a child soon and we covet your prayers on that matter. I'll keep you updated...
June 11, 2007: Things are going well. We just got back from Michigan. We went up to see Jen (the sister of my best friend since we were 7, Shelly). Last week Shelly called and asked me to be her daughter's godmother. She had Avery March 21 and we met her at Easter. I was totally honored to be asked. Thrilled! I flew up to Michigan on Tuesday and spent the week helping getting ready for Jen's wedding and enjoying time with my goddaughter...as well as her mom! So, Saturday was the wedding (which was beautiful) and Sunday was Avery's baptism. A full weekend for the Kuzera family, but wonderful. Avery is just beautiful and I love her as though she's my own. I treasured the time I had with her and we're looking forward to Shelly, Terrance and Avery coming to visit us in July.
We still have not started trying yet, but we will. God will let us know when the time is right. We trust in Him.
April 24, 2007: Well, let's see. It's been awhile since I've written anything here. I guess it's time for an update. Jason and I are doing well. We've been working hard on landscaping now that it's warm enough to be outside. We have all the plants and stones in our Memory Garden. We decided to create a Memory Garden. We have placed things in it that remind us of those we love who are no longer with us. We have a stepping stone with Riley's name on it and a giraffe because my Grandpa Latta loved them. There is also a bench and a wind chime with a resin statue of a hand holding a baby, which reminds us of Riley and our first baby we lost. We will add other things to remember others too. It's a nice way to remember those we love. It looks nice so far, but will look even better when the plants start growing.
On another note, I've gone to a new OB/Gyn here in Columbus. She wanted me to see a fertility specialist to see if she has advice or answers for our losses. We met with her last month and she requested a bunch of blood work. We got the results back last week and everything is completely normal. So, she said she sees no medical or genetic reason that we should have any problems and gave us the green light to try again. We're not quite ready to do so, but it's good to know that we have left no stone unturned. I guess things just happen sometimes...no reason in particular. We know that God is in control and feel He has His hand on us.
So, that's where we're at...doing well and waiting until it's time to begin trying for a family again. I feel a real peace about everything and I know that only can come from the Lord. He has truly blessed us. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I'll keep you posted...
February 19, 2007: Well, Saturday, February 17 was the one year anniversary of us saying goodbye to Riley. We had quiet weekend. We chose to just spend time together. We spent the day making a stepping stone in memory of Riley, scouring the local antique mall for a bench to put in the Memory Garden that we began planning on Sunday. We just spent a day drawing close together. Overall, it was a good day. I know many people were praying for us. We felt those prayers and thoughts. I thought the day would be harder on me, but I truly did feel peace. I know Riley is happy with his Savior and his little brother or sister, not to mention his great-grandparents and other family. The Lord has truly worked a miracle in my heart by giving me such peace. I still miss him and wish that I had him here, but I know that God has wonderful plans for us. With His faithfulness and the love and support of our family and friends we continue to follow the path He has set for us.
As I've thought about the past year I am overwhelmed with everything that has happened. It has turned out a lot differently that I thought, but God sees the bigger picture. We have had the opportunity to come home. Living close to our families is a blessing. I have a job that I love (I never thought that would happen--apart from babysitting Emma). God has blessed us and has truly taken a devestating situation and turned it into something great for us. All praise and thanksgiving to the Lord!
Thank you for all the prayers, all the thoughts and all the support you have given us the past year. Thank you for keeping Riley on your hearts. He may not be in my arms, but he'll forever be in my heart. We love you, Riley!
February 13, 2007: Well, a year ago today we recieved the devestating news that Riley had no heartbeat. We were so excited to go to our appointment...hoping to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We never expected to hear that he was gone. This is the time of year that we're supposed to be celebrating love...not having our hearts broken. So much has happened in the past year, but the pain of hearing our child was gone is still with me. This is going to be a rough week...I covet your prayers.
January 14, 2007: Well, Christmas has come and gone. We made it through the holidays (not without some tears). It was pretty rough...as I expected it to be. I was struggling with some bitterness at Thanksgiving. Thinking I was doing better, it kind of surprised me I guess it just hits any time. Christmas was hard too. Life was supposed to be so different for us right now. It was hard seeing babies all dressed in their "First Christmas" outfits at church Christmas Eve. I couldn't help but think what we would have dressed Riley in. I'm sure Jason would have insisted on some little Christmas-y looking suit like outfit with a tie. :-) Keeping my eyes on Jesus is the only way I've gotten this far without a total breakdown. His arms are wide and shoulders can carry all burdens. Praise God! I know I cannot shoulder this sorrow myself.
Anyway, overall Christmas went well. We enjoyed not having to travel. This is the first time since we've been married that we have not had to travel for the holidays. It is really nice to be living in Columbus with our families.
The New Year rang in while we were in Chicago at a wedding. It was a lot of fun to be a big party...all dressed up and toasting the New Year as we all danced to "Auld Lang Syne." It sure helped me keep my mind off of the hurt we endured in 2006. 2007 brings hope and new beginnings...and healing.
I know God has wonderful things in store for us this year...can't wait to see what His plan is. We continue to trust in Him and look ahead as we follow His direction.
Thank you for you continued thoughts and prayers. We pray your Christmas was blessed and your New Year is filled with love and hope.
October 2, 2006: We're doing pretty well. It's hard to believe that it's been over 7 months since we lost Riley. Life does continue and the pain decreases daily. We are now all moved into our new house in Columbus. We've been in since August 20th. We love it. I was able to finish my memory quilt for Riley (with a little help from my mom) and it's now hanging in the living room on a shelf my dad made. It's a constintent reminder of our precious son. We know he's safe in the arms of Jesus. I keep thinking of things that should have been different if Riley had lived. Today Jason and I were talking about Christmas and having photos taken. I couldn't help but think how Riley was supposed to be with us...we'd be having a totally different Christmas. It's still hard for me to think about everything I will never experience with Riley. One day in Heaven I'll be able to hold him. As I said, we're doing pretty well. We still aren't quite ready to begin trying again, but God will tell us when the time is right. Thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts. We thank the Lord for you!
July 30, 2006: As July comes to an end I wanted to post an update on here. July 10th came and went with many tears as it was Riley's due date. To get to that day and not having Riley with us was very hard. We know he is safe in the arms of Jesus, but my arms ache to hold him. It's now been 5 months since we lost Riley and I truly believe that we're healing. With the help of the Lord, my heart doesn't ache every minute of the day. I'm not saying it's easy, but it certainly is getting less hard. I know there are still many people out there praying for us and thinking of us. Thank you. We couldn't have made it this far without your prayers and support.
On another note, we're getting anxious to be in our new house. We're told it should be done August 15th. We're very much looking forward to getting settled into our new house. I've now got a job that I truly love at the Columbus Area Arts Council. We're happy to be home in Columbus with our families. Being near them for love and support will make trying again a little less scary. Family and friends make all the difference in life. Thanks to you all!
June 13, 2006: Well, we're in Columbus! We're living with Jason's parents until our house is built...hopefully it will be done by mid-August. I'm in the process of looking for a job and Jason has started at the Bartholomew County Public Library as a Reference Librarian.
Things have been going well. I can hardly believe that we're coming up on 4 months since losing Riley. It doesn't seem possible. We're still healing...everyday is truly easier. I don't think I mentioned that I had another HSG and everything came back normal. So, that wasn't the cause and it's nothing to stop us from trying again. We're waiting until we're settled in a house and also, for God's timing. He has gotten us this far...He will continue to guide us.
Again, thank you for your continued prayers and support!
May 18, 2006: This past week has been really hard on me. Friday we accepted an offer on the house. While I'm thrilled to be able to move back to Columbus, my emotions took over. I called Jason at work to tell him the offer and he had to come home because I broke down. So many memories are tied to LaPorte...the loss of both our babies. I feel like I'll be losing a link to Riley. So Friday was emotional...then came Sunday...Mother's Day was really hard on me. I didn't really think about it before hand...but I had a rough time with it. I spent most of the day crying and being jealous that other mothers had their children with them. Then came Wednesday...3 months since we lost Riley. It's been such a emotional rollar coster this week. I feel drained. I trust that God will get me through. Thank you for your continuing support and prayers.
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