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 The Dolata Chronicles Jainy X. Dolata Born: February 25, 2004 Gotcha Day: Sept. 13, 2005 |
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Welcome to the Dolata Family site! JANUARY 14, 2009: THANK YOU! A big thank you goes out to my friends and family for their support through this tough time....things are getting a bit easier...I usually feel better after I write about things, and I can feel the fog lifting a bit. Thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging words -- they have meant the world to me.... Anyway, I am finally getting pictures uploaded...we have moved the main computer from the DEEP FREEZE bottom floor to the much more comfortable main floor. Whew. Have I mentioned my aversion to cold?? I am still waiting for electric blanket leisure suit to come out on the market -- hey , a girl can dream, can't she? Anyhow, I am updated thru September '09....if you have a minute take a look through...we really had a great summer. Thanks for stopping by... love- -jen
January 5, 2009: THIRTY DAYS: It really is with a heavy heart, a pit in my stomach, and a void in my soul that I write this update. Yes, it's been a long time since my last entry, and I apologize, but I have truly had a lot on my plate, and --quite frankly-- life has gotten in the way of these updates. I am back though, vowing to do a better job for family that isn't on Facebook and those looking for a little more information than I am willing to share on the other site. Anyway, as most of you know, my Gram...my best friend...my partner...my pal...died a month ago today. Since then it has been rather tough to put one foot in front of the other, to press on and to find my way without her. She has been there for me for the past 40 years and cutting a new trail without her leading the way has been, for lack of a better word, difficult. It is with the love of a wonderful daughter, a devoted husband, and amazing friends and family that I am able to get out of bed each day.
Yes, I realize she was 80 years old...and probably more ready than she let on to go. She was married 53 years to a husband that she loved and missed very much. Her body was failing and although the surgeons probably got the cancer, physical rehab wasn't going to be easy. I get that....but her mind was strong, her sense-of-humor marvelous, her faith in us and herself was unwavering and her love of her family infinite.
I felt that when I left her side after spending a week with her in the hospital after the surgery, that her strength would return and she could perhaps wind up a bit stronger than before...but reality set in less than 24 hours after I returned to Alaska. Although an exact diagnosis couldn't be made, odds are that a clot broke off and lodged in her lungs. It was fatal....it was devastating.
I sit here now still unable to wrap my brain around it all. I am a nurse. My expertise, if I can call it that, is in the ICU. To look at her clinically, she was progressing. Her CBC was okay. Her electrolytes were normal. She was ambulating -- very well...even walked to the nurse's station the day I left. She agreed to rehab so she could get strong. She was peeing....and she was ecstatic to have regained her bladder control after removing a fibroid tumor that was pressing against her bladder. She was on heparin and anticoagulated. She had a filter placed about a week before in her groin to catch any clots. Her circulation seemed good. Solid pulses throughout. Her belly was tender--but that is to be expected after major surgery. Her incision looked great. Her abdomen was soft, nondistended...she was eating. She was laughing. She was Gram.
...i felt i could go....
...i was wrong....
I am not sure how to forgive myself for leaving.
...but let me back up for a minute...
Before her surgery, I looked at Kev and told him that I knew I had to be there for her, and he whole-heartedly agreed. Yes, it was a relatively simple procedure...a hysterectomy to remove the cancer they found back in October. Probably easy, but I felt that I needed to be there not only to hold her hand but to attend to her needs after the surgery. You see, my Gram is the reason I became a nurse in the first place. After my Gramp died, my Gram and I became best pals. She was my inspiration, she gave me the courage to go ahead and apply for nursing school. She literally and figuratively held my hand during school and I hoped I could someday repay the favor. I got my chance this December. With Kevin's help, I was able to fly home and be with the person that helped me find my path and my passion in this world.
Since I am naturally a night girl, I decided that I would take the night shifts....that way our family could visit during the day but not have to worry about her at night -- which would hopefully make it easier on everybody....I say that, but that is not entirely truthful. I took the night shifts because I was selfish, as well....and for this I am unapologetic. At night there are no visitors, there are few distractions from the staff and it was at night Gram and I had our most intimate times and conversations. I even told her I wanted to be selfish with her time and she seemed pleased -- Since I moved away to Anchorage, it was tough to not only get one-on-one time with her, but to have a deep conversation with her without distractions. Since Jainy was in excellent hands with not only Kev but her Gramma Marian and Auntee Cara, I knew I could concentrate on her. It was perfect.
The first night she was pretty drugged up still...and probably didn't even know I was there, but that was okay with me. I held her hand all night, and since she wasn't on a cardiac monitor, I felt her pulse most of the night as well, making sure we didn't have the problems we had in the PACU. (Low heart rate secondary to the anesthesia.) Luckily she was stable and her rhythm was solid all night. I was pleased. The only issue we had was that her kidneys needed some time and a little more blood volume to get going again, but all that resolved by the next night.
In the morning she awoke to find me there and we started yapping and really didn't stop all week. We talked about children, family, friends, spirituality, religion, our pets...you name it, we talked about it...even gossiped a little. Overall, it was wonderful. Not that I needed a reminder, but I remembered what an amazing woman she was and why I was --in a granddaughter kind of way--madly in love with her.
Once the day got going I would wait to hear what the docs had to say during their rounds and then make my way out for a few hours once company started arriving. Knowing that she was surrounded by loving friends and family I was able to relax a bit, shower, and take a nap myself at Lau's place. I'd head back after 6pm and begin our night shift together.
By Day Two she was progressing wonderfully. Since she was legally blind I would usually read to her when she stayed with me in Texas and Virginia...this time was no exception. The sappier the better....in the past I have read her such tear-jerkers such as 'Tuesday's with Morrie', 'Marley and Me', 'The Five People You Meet in Heaven', 'The Notebook'...etc, etc, etc...like I said, the sappier the better...the more we cried together the better...and for our latest, and last, book, I chose 'Have a Little Faith' by Mitch Albom. It was perfect...it's a true story about reconciling religion and spirituality and accepting different faiths, different paths, and accepting death with honesty and dignity. Since we were both struggling with different aspects of that book, I felt it was incredibly appropriate.
This opened the door to some very open and honest dialogue between us.....and it was wonderful. See, I consider myself spiritual, but not religious. My Gram, on the other hand, was both, and her commitment to her Catholicism was truly enviable. When she wintered with us, Kev and I always made sure she went to Mass, and when she didn't feel up to it, we pulled down the 72 inch projector screen, turned on the Notre Dame Mass and sat quietly with her so she could experience her Sunday's the way she loved. Since it was important to her, it was important to us...but we never really talked about our differences until last month....I think I was fearful prior to December to find out what she truly felt about my decisions, but the time seemed right to have the conversation with her and I am truly thankful I did. Although I don't need to go into full detail, I am confident that Gram was accepting of my non-traditional spirituality and how I, and all the rest of us who believe a little different, live our faith. She was a remarkably understanding woman...who even went so far as to teach me the Rosary...not because I will use it, but because she wanted to explain a big aspect of her faith. She also told me something that I keep coming back to now..she told me: 'Jen, I have lived a wonderful life. I have no regrets. And I know that Jesus will call my name. When He calls me Home I will answer. Not one minute before. Not one minute after. Just know that if I am gone it's because I answered the Call.' Although I couldn't fathom her dying, I appreciated her honesty and, to be truthful, never felt closer to her.
It was an incredble, almost indescribable week. We talked, we cuddled, we sang, (Big Band on PBS...wonderful) we joked, we laughed, we cried. We loved.
As the week progressed, she did as well. Friday morning came and it was time for me to get on back home to Anchorage. I woke her up before I left and gave her a little necklace I had gotten her...it's a simple medallion with the word: LOVED on it. I told her that I wanted any of the staff to know, without question, that this woman was loved -- by many-- even when she was alone in her room. I know that hospital rooms can swallow you up and I also know how lonely they can be...in those rare times she found herself alone I was hoping she would be comforted by that little necklace. I now wear it around my neck...
After I packed up we cried some more. We hugged some more. I assured her, after reassessing her belly and looking at her AM labs, that things were going according to plan, and that she was going to do just fine.
My last words to her was a little mantra we came up with after she agreed to physical rehab: 'GET STRONG. GET HOME.'
...i kissed her forehead and left....
...walking away from her was extremely difficult, but I missed my daughter and my husband and felt all was going to be okay...
....again, i was wrong...
That night I was thankfully called off work. I was able to spend time with Kev and Jain. We even went out to dinner and put up the Christmas tree. I talked to Gram earlier on a lay-over in Seattle and although she sounded a bit painful and tired, she seemed okay. I reassured her that how she was feeling was to be expected after major abdominal surgery...we cried some more, we loved some more, and I promised to call her the next morning.
...it was my sister, Jody, that called early the next morning instead...
Through her tears she was able to make out the words: She's Gone.
It took me a little while to understand what and who she was talking about ...and still, 30 days later, I cringe when the phone rings at an odd time.
In a daze, and in a deep despair that I have never before known, I repacked and headed back home.
During the flight back, and even now as I wipe away tears, I wonder how it was that I failed so miserably at my job to be there for her. At her moment of need, at, what I would guess, was her ultimate moment, I wasn't there to hold her hand....and I am not sure how to reconcile myself to that truth. I should have known, and if I couldn't have known then why didn't I at least sense that things weren't right? I spent a while thinking I failed her, and, to be honest, a little part of me may always feel that way, but I keep coming back to what she said....she answered His call. Not one minute before, not one minute after. Her Faith, like I said, was strong...she knew what she was talking about and she believed it to her core.
But still....I didn't do my job....and then I got to thinking...she probably didn't want me too. You see, my cousin, Cheryl, is an ICU nurse as well...and she was working at the time, not too far from Gram's hospital. For some reason she was unable to get her messages from the family about an emergency with Gram til after it was all over. She wasn't there either. She found out when I called her...her phone was in her locker and she just so happened to go over to her locker for some lotion the exact moment I called.
I think, in my heart, that she spared us.
She lived with me over the winter for many years, and I would often come home and tell her stories of the ICU or whatever happened that night. She was always there to celebrate the triumphs or there with a shoulder or a tissue when I needed it the most. I think she truly understood what it is like to live with the brutality that is oftentimes our line of work.
...she spared us...
What she didn't understand was that it was a burden I would have gladly taken on for her....and somehow I have to make peace with this dilemma I now have. A dear friend of mine, Laura, gave me some good advice about this, she said that I have never doubted my gram's decisions, not once in 40 years...she told me not to start now...and I suppose she is right....
I have to get perspective on this all, and I am starting by understanding the last gift she gave me. She gave me time. She gave me time in the last week of her life. She gave me memories. She gave me love. She gave me acceptance and understanding. She gave me joy. She gave me herself...
...and for that...I will always be grateful....
Over the last 30 days I have wondered how I am going to make it so Jainy always remembers her Great Grandmother...even though they were buddies, she is young and inevitably will forget. I thought I'd start off by telling her the truth....
Her Great Grandmother was legally blind.....but she was able to see things with a clarity that few know. She was able to understand everybody's differences. She was the one person in the family who has been able to accept each and every one of us, in spite of our flaws, and welcome us with open arms....regardless of the past. Her insight was remarkable.
Her Great Grandmother was unable to walk well at times, but she solidly led us down our proper path. She encouraged us to follow our dreams, to follow our passions and make the most out of life. Because of her I am not only a nurse, but a mother. She may have been unsteady but her will was steadfast.
Her Great Grandmother was a little off-balance. Her legs were betraying her after years of diabetic neuropathy, but she was always there to make sure that we lived a balanced life....she always reminded me that although work was important, so was taking care of your family.
Her Great Grandmother was lonely at times...but she always encouraged us to live our own lives and she accepted and welcomed the time we could spend with her, even if it was a brief visit....she didn't care if you spent a minute or a week with her...she was always willing to accept what you could give.
Her Great Grandmother was given the frightening diagnosis of cancer but she was courageous in her battle. When they told her she had uterine cancer her exact words were: 'Hmmmm....What do we do next?' She never felt sorry for herself. She was a fighter....She was, as a friend of mine so accurately put it...mighty.
Her Great Grandmother was a bit weak physically, but mentally she was never stronger. She knew where she was, and, more importantly, where she was going. She was confident in the way she lived her life and with her decisions. Her faith in not only her spirituality, but in us, as well, was truly humbling.
Her Great Grandmother was my Hero.
I lost an amazing part of my life on December 5th, 2009...my only hope is that I am able to find the Insight, the Fortitude, the Balance, the Acceptance, the Strength, the Courage and the Faith to live what she has taught me....
...and i hope i am able to teach those same lessons to my daughter someday....
-thanks for reading-
--love,
--jen
Stories MAY 26, 2009: Time Flies When You're Busy Renovating! So, the remodel continues....slowly but surely we are getting things done, and yes, by 'We' I am mostly referring to Kevin, but I help when and where I can. (Today, for example, I took a vacuum cleaner to an abandoned hornet's ...
APRIL 17, 2009: Goooooood News! Just got an email from our agency...our Dossier for Kaidyn is out of Review. That means that we have basically been approved. Now we get in the 'Pending Referral' line....we aren't that much closer to her, but every little step we make towards her is very exciting...even if she still is years away from joining ...
QUICK, And I Mean QUICK Update: April 7, 2009: Okay, so, a lot has happened in the two (GASP!) months since I've updated...here's the latest: Went to Ohio, had a great time, celebrated not only Jainy's 5th, but my Gram's 80th. Also got to see almost everybody...even some of my Riverside family in Gordonsville,Virginia. A big THANKS goes ou...
February 25, 2009: Birthday Girl: Well, our Little One has reached yet another milestone. Today she turns 5 and I'd like to take a moment to write an open letter to the love of our life... Dear Jainy, I write this letter on the eve of your fifth birthday....right now you are fast asleep, blissfully exhausted from spending a day p...
January 29, 2009: VOLCANO ABOUT TO BLOW? I have been answering a few questions from my Lower-48 pals regarding the impending eruption of Mt. Redoubt, the volcano 100 miles south of Anchorage. (See picture to the left.) see: http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/science/01/29/alaska.volcano/index.html or: http...
NOVEMBER 4, 2008: IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE: Every so often we get the chance to make a difference...to decide for ourselves what is the best way to proceed. We take every option into consideration, pondering the pros and cons of each. The decisions are tough, but they must be made, as they pave the course for the future. ....
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Jan 14, 2010
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